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Here we go again

June 2, 2013

As you all know, I had my appendix removed. I recently went in for my follow-up and my doctor was a little bit concerned because the radiologists who took my CT Scans noted that he saw some swollen lymph nodes, however the operating surgeon did not.

My doctor began wondering if the surgeon did not note anything because there was nothing to note or if it was because he did not go far enough done into my abdomen, to my bowels to be exact, to see anything worth noting. My doctor spoke with the surgeon and found out it was the latter reason. So my Doctor sends my CT Scan off to the head of radiology for review. Monday morning I got a call that the head of radiology wants ANOTHER CT Scan for a more detailed view of what is going on.

So, Here we go again!

First of all, I have to say it has been a very long week just trying to get this thing scheduled. First my insurance company denies it. So I have to wait for my doctor to call the insurance company’s doctor and explain why I need the scan, that doctor finally overrides the denial and we are off. The schedulers call me Wednesday to schedule the CT.

“Do you have Diabetes?” They ask

“No.” I say

“Are you allergic to iodine?” They ask

“Yes.” I say



“What do you mean?”

“You asked if I was allergic to iodine…..I said yes…..I mean, I am allergic to iodine….”

“Oh, well we cannot do the CT Scan if you are allergic to iodine because it uses iodine for contrast.” They tell me

“I had a CT Scan here a few weeks ago….”

“Yes, but that was without contrast. You doctor ordered this one with contrast, which means iodine.”

So here is my thing. I get the doctors office is busy. They have a lot of patients to see, a lot of shit going on. Totally get it. BUT when I go into Walgreens to by some Advil Sinus the little computer beeps at the pharmacist and he starts to list any and all medications I have ever been prescribed  along with any allergies I may have and informs me of possible side effects with the new medicine I want. Why does the guy at Walgreens know my shit and my Doctor doesn’t?

Anyways, I finally get it scheduled for Friday morning. I have to fast and frankly I can be a serious food bitch so I figured the early the better, for everyone.wpid-IMAG0910.jpg

I have an 8:30 check in. They hand me the drink which is NOT the same drink as last time. This one is weird. It is chalky, and gritty and milky all at the same time. I have to drink the whole bottle in the next 30 minutes at which point I will hand the empty bottle back to the nurse and she will replace it with another bottle of the exact same shit, that I will need to finish in 30 minutes. Repeat for an hour and a half.

Listen, I get that they can’t allow me to spice up the drink with a little vodka. Even though liquor is a proven disinfectant and I am sure that if I drink it in large enough quantities it will disinfect my insides thus removing any need for me to be there. But I get it.

The least they CAN do is offer me a straw. Seriously. That shit was sooooo horrible. I am fighting with my own gag reflex just to get it down in the allowable time and convincing my mouth to hold huge gulps while my throat debates whether or not it is going to let the stuff in is too much.

The Tube

I get it all down and go in for my scan. The scan is really not that unpleasant. If I could listen to a podcast or something it would actually be relaxing. The only problem is the lovely drink mix is starting to really upset my stomach and I am not entirely sure of how exactly that is going to end up. What I do know, my stomach is starting to hurt very badly. I feel like if I don’t get up to pee VERY soon I might explode. It is making it very uncomfortable for me to remain lying on my back…not moving. And now I think I might throw up.

The need to throw up is soon joined by the realization that my stomach is now making very loud bubbling noises and an overwhelming sense that I need to use the restroom in a more urgent way than just pee now.

I am alone in the room…I quietly call out to no one, “Um, how much longer is this going to be?”

“About 20 minutes.” I hear a man answer

20 minutes…..

I have a reasonable fear that I will not make it.

I quietly beg my colon to not embarrass me and bear down for what feels like an hour.

The procedure is finally over. The man comes in to tell me I am done and can get dressed and before he can finish his sentence I ask for the restroom and make a run for it, not worrying that I am no longer holding my gown closed. I make 3 more trips to the bathroom before I can even finish getting dressed. I really just wanted to go home and finish out my misery there but I swear to you I could not even safely bend over to put on my own shoes at this point.

It takes a while but I went ahead and risked the 20 minute drive home. I arrive, underwear in tact and spent the rest of the day cursing that drink.

In the end? Everything looks fine and my butthole muscles are tighter than ever so….Congrats to me!



From → Self Abuse

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