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Kicking the Bucket List

May 7, 2013

If you have ever lost someone close to you and had to go into their home afterwards and start the overwhelming process of boxing up all of their stuff, you will understand the need of this list.  If you have been lucky enough to not experience this particular task let me give you a quick run down of how it works.

Grandpa dies. You are very sad, you miss Grandpa and wish you had more time, wish you had done more, been more. You are grieving. Your Mom, however, just lost her Dad. So her grief seems to trump yours by volumes. Mom says “Grandpa’s house needs to get packed up. We need to get the house ready to sale….I just don’t know if I can do it,” with tears in her eyes. Now like any good child, your heart rips open a little bit at the first sign of water in dear old mom’s eyes. Maybe it is left over guilt from all the horrible things we did as children or maybe

it is that super annoying empathy thing that everyone says it is so important for us to have. Either way you volunteer your services. You bravely and proudly tell Mommy Dearest that YOU will go pack up Grandpa’s stuff. Aren’t you just the perfect child?

You enter into Grandpa’s house and are immediately hit with memories of you and your family in THIS house. You remember the time you and cousin not-so-cute-anymore played doctor in the backroom, or that time when you were a teenager and Grandpa tried to give you some tough love, or just recently when you came to check on Grandpa. And while you are far away in memory land you suddenly become aware that Grandpa’s house smells. Not bad like a fart, smell. But not good like baked cookies either. More like weird musty old guy. That smell brings you slightly out of memory land, just enough to look around and realize, Grandpa kinda has a lot of shit. Shit you now need to box up.

Smartly you start in the living room. Grandpa doesn’t seem to have much in the way of knickknacks so it should be a quick room to get done. And then you open the little cabinets under the TV and realize Grandpa was a closeted hoarder. You start sifting through the stuff and find all these old letters and scratch paper and as you read through it all you feel like you are getting to know Grandpa a little bit better. You feel more connected.

With that room done, you and your new-found Sherlock Holmes fuzzy feeling stupidly decide to hit Grandpa’s bedroom. You figure the smell of Grandpa in his clothes and the possibility of momentous from you hidden in his drawers would be the perfect climax to the high you’ve got going right now. You open the door slowly – there might be ghosts – and carefully look around. Open the closet, breath in Grandpa. You start clearing out the closet only to find Grandpa’s old playboys. Awe, kind sweet you think. I mean they are from the 1970 after all and not quite so….visually thorough as todays copy. But then it dawns on you that 1) Grandpa had playboy thus Grandpa used playboy and 2) they may be the start of a very bad new nightmare you will now be having featuring Dear Old Grandpa and whatever else you are about to find in his closet.

I had the privilege of being that perfect child. I have the nightmares to prove it. And so I started the Kicking the Bucket List.

The Kicking the Bucket List is a list of tasks you give to your best friend to perform IMMEDIATELY should you die, saving your loved ones the nightmares that are bound to start when they find your life size BOB (battery operated boyfriend) and anal beads in your bedside drawer.

It is an ever-growing list but one I think you should consider. Send it to your bestest friend so they know just what to do

1) Quickly remove contents from secret spot.

This is the most important task that Bestie must perform! It is imperative that this job get done as quietly and quickly as possible. If you are a person of simple needs a quick transfer from drawer to pocket maybe all that is needed. But for you more adventurous souls out there, warn your Bestie how may boxes they will need. The success of this job is also heavily dependant on you. So plan ahead. Keep all personal items in one location. We don’t want to have to send Bestie on a Dildo treasure hunt all over the house. You will also need to inform Bestie where the secret hiding place is. Depending on your depravity you may want to offer further instruction like, destroy without viewing. This is really more for you peace of mind now, because I don’t think you will really care if Bestie finds out you can take an entire Conan the Barbarian sized fist once your dead.

2) Confess lies that Bestie is an unknown participant in

There is nothing like your loving spouse finding out about your one time tryst with a bartender when you were supposed to be at Girls/Guys Night Out at your funeral. You are dead, people are going to want to tell stories, don’t chance it. Leave a SHORT list of lies that Bestie needs to keep up for you. DO NOT use this list to inform Bestie that you slept with their significant other or that their cat didn’t really run out in front of your car like you said it did. Keep that shit to yourself. Piss off Bestie and Conan the Barbarian might find its way as a casket hood ornament!

3) Wrangle the crazies

I have been to enough funerals to know there are certain givens. One is that your family has at least one crazy in it. Maybe it is an alcoholic aunt or suspect uncle, either way you have a crazy in your family and they WILL let their freak flag fly all over your funeral. Tell Bestie who to watch out for. Let them know it is their job to keep that person busy and away from the masses. Your family needs time to grieve and really don’t need to be dealing with Alchy Aunt Betty crying about how you never once let her watch your cat for you  or some other weird drunk bullshit. Your friend will feel like an important part of what has become a “family” deal and will be happy to have been kept busy. And mom won’t find out about the time you told Alchy that you never really liked your mom’s prized meatloaf. You might not think it is a big deal now but trust me, my own mother found out about her meatloaf this way and I still hear about it!

This is in no way a complete list. I welcome any suggests you may have. I will update as needed.

P.S. I did not add anything about deleting incriminating evidence off of phones or computers…..It seems like a difficult task to expect someone to do unnoticed so I suggest you clean your shit up regularly just in case.

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